Confessions of a morning star

Stars that shine in the day

I will never take another’s name
Nor ever really give him my heart
Its tied to you
In secret matrimony
That was conducted
In the dark
I will wear him like a disguise
To beguile and impress
The world.
But it’s you whose scent
I’ll forever carry
No matter where I’ll go

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Always him.

I pick lint of his coat,
The tiny fleck bugs me.
I wish I could pick away.
At his memories too.
And erase all traces-
of us.
So I could disappear-
Without any guilt;
Of abandoning him,
Or breaking my promises.
I wish I could wipe out,
All the hurt I had caused.
The pain I’d inflicted.
Unintentionally,
But on purpose too…
To somehow incriminate him,
for all the pain I’d once been put through..
By someone else.
He became my victim
The one who was my savior
I made him;
Both.
And he let me-
Bacause he was in love.

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These walls must have a hell of a story to tell

Whispered secrets like the fading colors on these walls, all but forgotten

Excited screams and shouts of little children playing

The bold botched color red and maroon show them all

I breathe it all in, the history, they taste of years long gone

They taste salty, necessary, of mystery

I try to capture it all in my mind, in just one photograph

But I fail

These old walls guard their secrets just as well today

They keep them buried deep, safe.

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The monster

His teeth dig into my flesh,

They shall scar my porcelain neck.

His excitement heightens as I protest,

Adding to his pleasure.

 

My hands fight him, clawing at thin air

As he thrusts himself into me

he ignores them.

 

He steals away everything-

My sanity, my purity

Me.

 

He robs me blind

For the sake of his completion

And his pleasure

And his desire.

 

He takes everything from me.

 

And in return?

My treacherous body betrays me

It buckles underneath him

Struggling for its own release.

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While I go through another writer’s block ( hopefully temporary this time) here’s something by a very dear friend of mine. (Thank you!)

There was something unusual about that night. 8 cups of coffee, and there I was, tossing all night long, trying to come to terms with my demons.

I had always worked so hard to hear and understand others- that I had completely forgotten about my own feelings, and needs.

I had given away so much in love, that there was nothing left for me.

Oh, how my soul now begs me to return to the truth, to the light, and to the power I had left somewhere far behind.

My chest is heavy with all the pain I have been holding on for so long, it wants to be freed. It wants to break those walls that has caged it for what seems like an eternity.

I got out of bed when I could no longer take it. It was time to lace up the armor, and break down these walls with my own bare hands.

From this day onwards, I was to be free in my own wildness, belonging to no man and no city.

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Just a quick note

I lost my muse when I lost you. I lost my inspiration, my motivation to write.
Funny- my writing had always defined me.

So does that mean that I lost myself too?

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((Re-blogged))

I wrote this one in 2011 I think, and it has always stayed a personal favorite.

 

My lips you crave, my touch you find

The bitterest sin, the cruelest treat

I am pleasure itself. Defined.

Wrapped in a thorny bed, the pain of having me

Ever so sweet.

 

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All I (would’ve) asked of you

In the labyrinth of my own forgotten memories,

I search.

For any traces or clues

That might help bring me closure.

In this quagmire I seek-

The answer to your betrayal.

Any little hint or sign

Of why this happened?

Why my life shattered into a million pieces?

Why you walked away free?

While I remain trapped.

Grasping at broken fragments of days bygone-

Hurting myself trying to pick up the shards you left behind.

Of my heart-

My soul too.

I meander through the darkness of my retrospection.

Not even step close to understanding-

Why is there no trace of you?

Why can I not find even one memory of you?

Why do you not exist?

You already ripped me apart-

You could have at least left me

with just the ghost of your presence.

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Because I needed this out of my system

My hatred boils over and devours me

It consumes me from the inside

Like a caustic acid that corrodes all that it touches

Or a fatal poison that scorches and burns alive

No, I will not yield this time

I will not succumb to your irrational demands

You are not my god

Nor will you ever be

I have shut myself up for so long

Striving to please you

At times just to appease you

But to no avail

Trying to give you respect

But this seven letter word is not for you

Didn’t they teach you?

Respect isn’t granted it’s earned?

I hate you.

Mercilessly.

For the present and the past

And for all futures to come.

The world believes you to be my savior

But they do not know the whole truth

How can they

When you present yourself as such

Yes you did save me.

You saved me

To destroy me

Mentally and emotionally.

You broke me down.

Tore me apart.

Stripped me down to an empty shell

That suited your demands.

Still you are not happy.

You can never be

You are a monster

Evil in its rawest form.

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More than what you take me to be

Tea maker, dish washer, house keeper.
Is that all that you see in me?

I am much more than a Dowry of a five  bedroom house
OR a brand new civic that sits and collects dust in your garage
Cause you are too cheap  to actually drive it.

Am I just another child bearing machine?
That slaves in the kitchen all day for you
And then slaves to satisfy your son as well
Oh but wait that’s my duty.

I am not a driver or a cook or a servant
I have never had to wash the car or cook a delicious meal
Hell I never even knew what a dustpan was for

I was a princess trapped in a tall castle
Another day I was a bad ass spy fighting crime
I was an eccentric old aunt that was loved by all the children
Or a maiden longing to be swooned under the moonlight

I was a different person
In a different time, happy in my own little world

Until the day that I became your son’s wife
But mostly just your maid.

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